Her silky tear paved it’s way down her velvety cheek, falling, spiraling down to plop gently on my arm. Eyes closed tightly as her ivories slice into her bottom lip, all her strength focusing on gaining control of her tumultuous emotions. I lean into her cushiony side, but I’m staring into the computer screen, his simple message.
“Until next time Archbold”
He is leaving us, again. How selfish I am. I want him here with us.
I smell him, one last hug. Let that hug linger, it will be the last one for a while. You wouldn’t understand, or maybe you do. I want him to go, go and make all his plans come true. He is safe now, I know that, no longer in that dam war zone. Just on his mundane base life. I want him here. I always want what I want.
“Family is all we have”
He always says that, it’s true. I was born first, but he’s always been my big brother, never any questioning that. He has always been the strongest, the quietest, the most loyal.
“The problem with you Hannah, and Moriah, is you guys have the skills in the family, your writing, her singing, I have shit, but I’ve done the most”
And he is right. He has done the most, even though he was given the least.
I love him, I want to remember it all. Because it will never go back to the same. All of us, grown now, living out own lives. These fucking lovely, bitter, humdrum, restless, incredible different lives and still we have each other. The rare moments we are all home together. The bonfires, the cuddling, the hysterical nonsense, the quietness, the driving 80 down the back roads with Cudi blaring on the radio. In these moments, I have felt irrevocably conscious. So I will voraciously live, letting no one stop me. I want to experience every little stunning minute I am given. And for those who try to hinder my living – pack your bags. I am going to live, so go ahead, take my hand, let’s journey to these most majestic moments in time. Or, get out, I don’t have time for you, and you certainly don’t have time for me.
“You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them. I tie no weights to my ankles.” C. JoyBell
Inflicted Delusions 