Figured It Out

I will do anything to keep my secrets..

Cant have you finding out the sick truth about me..

Had I known you already knew..

I may not  have had to kill you..

But I did not.

And in that moment.

As I sat in the barn, icicles running through my veins…

Squeezing my knees shut, to keep the pee in…

I knew I could not live if you knew –

and

That you could not live, if you knew –

IM SORRY.

SO SORRY.

but I was so ashamed

SO AFRAID

could not be embraced

so hopeless , so beyond REDEMPTION

beyond your LOVE

Beyond SANE thinking

beyond mercy

IM SO SORRY,

SO VERY SORRY….

The Food Stamps War

So just a little venting. I would also like to hear everyone’s thoughts on this matter. I work at a gas station. The first of the month is always a horrible day for me because I work third shift. At midnight everyone gets there food stamps or EBT for the month. I know that this will probably start controversy. It is not meant too, I promise!

However I was very discouraged and annoyed last night. I believe that we need food stamps here in our country but I also believe they are being abused and misused greatly. Last night I heard all the grumbling and complaining that the government has sent letters out cutting back on some of my customers monthly food money. I do have compassion and feel bad for the people that are truly in need of the help and that use it wisely. However,  I see so much abuse of food stamps. For instance, one family bought 20 different types of candy bars, 6 bags of chips, 15 different kinds of hostess, 10 bottles of red bull and a tiny little half liter of milk. Really? I believe this is abuse, I know some people will say it is not my business what they spend the money on. But, um, the last time I recalled it is my money going to pay for it? I am NOT judging these people either. My mother and I had food stamps at one point when my dad was away. We used this money to get all the food we needed first and never really bought any kind of excessive junk food or energy drinks on it.

The only reason I even really mention this is because I hear so many of the EBT customers complaining that they never have enough. I understand that I don’t know everything that goes on in there household or their expenses. But honestly? I have to work so very hard just to keep food on my table and I have to portion and watch everything I spend. While 9 out of the 12 customers last night bought many of our candies and donuts and junk. If I have a candy bar its a treat.

By the end of the month, they barely have any money left and tell me their cupboards are empty and even have the audacity to ask me for money or free food, while here I am struggling and scraping to make a life for myself.

I really want people to understand I am not saying everyone who has EBT is abusing it. But there is a problem with misuse here in America. We need to stop this. I am sorry but I work very hard for the little I have, and I have medical problems. I just wanted to vent about this a little, I hope no one takes offense and feel free to comment and let me know how you feel about this issue.

Sorry.. Or Not.. No I am Sorry.. But I will go on..

I see it in his eyes. Everyday. So I joke around. Mess around and pretend to scoff. Pretend like it doesn’t matter that I see the disappointment. Disappointment is following me everywhere. I am sorry. I really thought that I would have made you proud by now. That I would have found some job that would make me financially secure, so that I didn’t have to live at home still. So I didn’t have to be a daily disappointment for you. I know you see my brother and some of my cousins and all that they are doing, or your friends kids. I know you are pry embarrassed when you have to tell them I am the local gas station Queen and that I am not at the moment attending college. You tell them yes I still live at home and no I am not using my nurse aid certification.  I know you want the best for me. I want these same things for myself. I want them in a different way, maybe it took me this long, what five years. Five years of moving away, trying to make it on my own, trying to find happiness, love. But always coming back home, always. So I wasted these years, precious years that I could have gobbled up and used for improvement, to find myself. Take myself from everything I knew and loved. To go and figure out just exactly what I believe is right, good, wrong, evil. Who am I. I ask myself this question every single day. So yes I wasted those years and now I face everyone and the disappointment they feel for me. I could say sorry and yes I am sorry. But lets get something clear, I am not here to live for you. I am here to live for me and every dam mistake that I make. I am here to figure out who I am and to figure out what I believe and how I want to live my life and eventually what legacy I want to leave. And I am here not to live just selfish, but realize I am but the most insignificant little being. But I found that I can be something. To other little unimportant people when I am there for them, when I give myself over to help someone. I can have purpose in helping someone, in hearing what they have to say.

Again he looks at me with those disappointed eyes. Sometimes I don’t know how much more I cant take, the myriad of faces staring at me, judging me, what I have done, what I have accomplished and what I haven’t.

And yet I have this feeling in me. If I the failure himself. Can get up every morning can face the day tell myself that. “I will make it, I wont be a disappointment, I will find my way.” Then my question for all those peering, prying and unfaithful eyes. Well I say to them. How can I believe in myself when you don’t believe in me. I know that no matter what, one day I will make it to where I can be happy with myself. Where I can live with myself. Where I can be happy with the person in the mirror.

I will.. I will.. I will..

I realize that this path I travel isn’t for anyone… but set apart, solely for me

Confusion

I am confused. There are no clear answers. No black and white, this is right voice anymore. Just my blurry focus. I don’t know where I am headed or what for. I could live with the not knowing where I was headed, but I cannot live with the not knowing why. That is the hardest part of all. Do I feel guilty for my feelings? Of course, he just died, this young man I barely know, but he had a plan, a vision. He didn’t deserve his body to be smashed beneath those heaps of corn upon that metal bed. Do any of those young who die, do they really deserve it. Honestly why are those of us who are confused, why don’t we who have no real plans, or they are to high to reach, why are we spared. I had that close encounter with her, death. She almost snatched me in her claws, took me from all the ones I loved. I cried out, I wanted to live in that moment I most certainly knew I was to die. I was grateful. Laying there on that table, my family, all surrounding me. The next months of recovery, I tried most hard to be grateful. To this day I will never wish to die again. Simple and most assuredly because I know I don’t want to leave my family. However, my mind it does slip quietly, without me really knowing, into that wondering. The wonder of why some of us are chosen to live and some are fated to die an early death. I know many will say it was luck or just not their time or it was his time to go, or more interestingly and strangely sickly humorous “God needed another angel”. I don’t know, all I know is that I am confused. Confused as to how I get to where I want to be in life. Confused as how to make my dreams reality. Confused as to what will happen in our country, to what will happen to my family. Confused, is there a God, or are there Gods, Goddesses? Confused as to why people are so cruel and evil. Not understanding why young people with so much ahead of them die so early. Confused about why I can’t be like some people and not think about this stuff, why I cant shove it down to some deep, dark depth inside and forget. Why it has to be on my mind… always.

Survive

IF it came down to it

A choice between – you – and I

I would see it in your eyes

First, the flash of panic, like you have to make it out alive

Then you contemplate me,can live with yourself –

If you allow me to die …..

But don’t worry

I wont allow you that option

Wont give you the time

I don’t think about it anymore

So I throw you off the line

 

And I do what I have to do…. to survive

 

Odio

Downtown to the local drugstore.

Gets that black- raspberry- liquor.

Likes to spike her fruity drink.

She giggles, likes to act like she cant think.

Presses the blunt to her sweetened – hungry – lips

Hopes to God he will find himself buried in those hips

Drunken stupors they find themselves caught

They’ve weaved the trap they should have naught

Bare naked in his hell bound bed, she cries

Lust stained satin sheets , he got his prize

His soul was awakened black

She could have a heart- beneath the plaque

I watch from the cracked door

Cant look away, but don’t want to see no more

Padre de mi hijo why do you make love to mi hermana pequeña?

Odio

Copyright 2013 Hannah Marie

All rights reserved, Inflicted Delusions.

~ Emily Lynn ~

So I wanted to do a little shout of for my sister 🙂 This is her singing, she wrote this song and performed it for when my brother got back from Afghanistan on Sept, 28th! It was so much fun. The song is amazing and she has such an amazing talent! I am so proud of her…

Here is her twitter if you would like to follow her ~ https://twitter.com/Moriahrosales1

Here is my twitter if you would like to follow me there ~ https://twitter.com/HannahRosales09

So here is the link of her singing!

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=684085214936777&set=vb.100000059148900&type=2&theater