Sorry.. Or Not.. No I am Sorry.. But I will go on..

I see it in his eyes. Everyday. So I joke around. Mess around and pretend to scoff. Pretend like it doesn’t matter that I see the disappointment. Disappointment is following me everywhere. I am sorry. I really thought that I would have made you proud by now. That I would have found some job that would make me financially secure, so that I didn’t have to live at home still. So I didn’t have to be a daily disappointment for you. I know you see my brother and some of my cousins and all that they are doing, or your friends kids. I know you are pry embarrassed when you have to tell them I am the local gas station Queen and that I am not at the moment attending college. You tell them yes I still live at home and no I am not using my nurse aid certification.  I know you want the best for me. I want these same things for myself. I want them in a different way, maybe it took me this long, what five years. Five years of moving away, trying to make it on my own, trying to find happiness, love. But always coming back home, always. So I wasted these years, precious years that I could have gobbled up and used for improvement, to find myself. Take myself from everything I knew and loved. To go and figure out just exactly what I believe is right, good, wrong, evil. Who am I. I ask myself this question every single day. So yes I wasted those years and now I face everyone and the disappointment they feel for me. I could say sorry and yes I am sorry. But lets get something clear, I am not here to live for you. I am here to live for me and every dam mistake that I make. I am here to figure out who I am and to figure out what I believe and how I want to live my life and eventually what legacy I want to leave. And I am here not to live just selfish, but realize I am but the most insignificant little being. But I found that I can be something. To other little unimportant people when I am there for them, when I give myself over to help someone. I can have purpose in helping someone, in hearing what they have to say.

Again he looks at me with those disappointed eyes. Sometimes I don’t know how much more I cant take, the myriad of faces staring at me, judging me, what I have done, what I have accomplished and what I haven’t.

And yet I have this feeling in me. If I the failure himself. Can get up every morning can face the day tell myself that. “I will make it, I wont be a disappointment, I will find my way.” Then my question for all those peering, prying and unfaithful eyes. Well I say to them. How can I believe in myself when you don’t believe in me. I know that no matter what, one day I will make it to where I can be happy with myself. Where I can live with myself. Where I can be happy with the person in the mirror.

I will.. I will.. I will..

I realize that this path I travel isn’t for anyone… but set apart, solely for me


18 thoughts on “Sorry.. Or Not.. No I am Sorry.. But I will go on..

  1. Ah, this is very honest and raw. I can definitely relate to this, at one point I was experiencing the same thing. The thing is, now is the best time to figure these things out because now is when you need to figure them out. And I’m referring to the actual time, not your age or position in life. The only reason you have to understand these things about your life is because you’re smack dab in the middle of the need. Do not let anyone discourage you from this journey. It’s never fun to say to someone “yeah, I’m not where I thought I’d be right now” and never enjoyable to hear them equally say the same about you. However, anyone who says they have not struggled with finding themselves and discovering the best place to plant their feet and stay steady is either lying or they haven’t figured their own answers out. I say all that to say this; take your time. Move at your own pace, figure things out for yourself and not to appease anyone else. Discover what YOU want to do with life and then just go for it. 🙂

    • Thank you so much! I needed to hear that. I feel like yes I have wasted some of these years not writing or fulfilling my potential, but I know I that the memories and experiences will stay with me and if there is one thing I have discovered it is that in order to write, you must live. The person I was speaking about was my father and when five years ago when I graduated everything I thought was torn away, most of it has to do with religion but still, I felt as if life was over after that, so I did stuff I am not proud of and just wasted time. I have had stuff happen to me since and, one being a near death experience. I just know now that this is my life and I have to figure it out! So thank you Miss Talicha for affirming this for me!

  2. I can relate to you on a lot of these matters. I want and need to write as well and I am just trying to find my place to get there now. You are definitely not alone in this, Hannah. I also have my Master’s Degree in Humanities and there is always that pressure in getting a job: even in this market as it is now and even with the kinds of people that we are and difficult it can be. But you just keep working. You articulate yourself well.

    • Thank you Matt : ) that makes me feel much better. I didn’t want people to get the wrong impression. I am a very hard worker and I have done my share of helping even when I was a teen. I am not lazy, however I do not want to be going to school for something I don’t want and I know my dad has always wanted me to be a nurse. It doesn’t make me happy so I couldn’t do it! I am just going to keep doing what I have to, so that one day I can get to where I want to be! And I am sure it will be constantly changing but I know I can do it!

  3. If you have never heard the song “Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen)”, or read the newspaper article that spawned it, there are some great thoughts in it.

    ‘Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.’

    ‘Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.’

    Do what makes you happy, but does not adversely affect others =)

  4. You know, if you ever get the opportunity, I suggest a book I think you may find useful in your search; it has aided me in the past.

    In fact, I’m sure it would likely do me some good to read it again. Thank you for that reminder.

    I know the journey is long and hard; living in the “now” and experiencing yourself, testing your boundaries, understanding your own personal limitations will ultimately lead to whatever questions you are asking.

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