I am confused. There are no clear answers. No black and white, this is right voice anymore. Just my blurry focus. I don’t know where I am headed or what for. I could live with the not knowing where I was headed, but I cannot live with the not knowing why. That is the hardest part of all. Do I feel guilty for my feelings? Of course, he just died, this young man I barely know, but he had a plan, a vision. He didn’t deserve his body to be smashed beneath those heaps of corn upon that metal bed. Do any of those young who die, do they really deserve it. Honestly why are those of us who are confused, why don’t we who have no real plans, or they are to high to reach, why are we spared. I had that close encounter with her, death. She almost snatched me in her claws, took me from all the ones I loved. I cried out, I wanted to live in that moment I most certainly knew I was to die. I was grateful. Laying there on that table, my family, all surrounding me. The next months of recovery, I tried most hard to be grateful. To this day I will never wish to die again. Simple and most assuredly because I know I don’t want to leave my family. However, my mind it does slip quietly, without me really knowing, into that wondering. The wonder of why some of us are chosen to live and some are fated to die an early death. I know many will say it was luck or just not their time or it was his time to go, or more interestingly and strangely sickly humorous “God needed another angel”. I don’t know, all I know is that I am confused. Confused as to how I get to where I want to be in life. Confused as how to make my dreams reality. Confused as to what will happen in our country, to what will happen to my family. Confused, is there a God, or are there Gods, Goddesses? Confused as to why people are so cruel and evil. Not understanding why young people with so much ahead of them die so early. Confused about why I can’t be like some people and not think about this stuff, why I cant shove it down to some deep, dark depth inside and forget. Why it has to be on my mind… always.