Confusion

I am confused. There are no clear answers. No black and white, this is right voice anymore. Just my blurry focus. I don’t know where I am headed or what for. I could live with the not knowing where I was headed, but I cannot live with the not knowing why. That is the hardest part of all. Do I feel guilty for my feelings? Of course, he just died, this young man I barely know, but he had a plan, a vision. He didn’t deserve his body to be smashed beneath those heaps of corn upon that metal bed. Do any of those young who die, do they really deserve it. Honestly why are those of us who are confused, why don’t we who have no real plans, or they are to high to reach, why are we spared. I had that close encounter with her, death. She almost snatched me in her claws, took me from all the ones I loved. I cried out, I wanted to live in that moment I most certainly knew I was to die. I was grateful. Laying there on that table, my family, all surrounding me. The next months of recovery, I tried most hard to be grateful. To this day I will never wish to die again. Simple and most assuredly because I know I don’t want to leave my family. However, my mind it does slip quietly, without me really knowing, into that wondering. The wonder of why some of us are chosen to live and some are fated to die an early death. I know many will say it was luck or just not their time or it was his time to go, or more interestingly and strangely sickly humorous “God needed another angel”. I don’t know, all I know is that I am confused. Confused as to how I get to where I want to be in life. Confused as how to make my dreams reality. Confused as to what will happen in our country, to what will happen to my family. Confused, is there a God, or are there Gods, Goddesses? Confused as to why people are so cruel and evil. Not understanding why young people with so much ahead of them die so early. Confused about why I can’t be like some people and not think about this stuff, why I cant shove it down to some deep, dark depth inside and forget. Why it has to be on my mind… always.

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20 thoughts on “Confusion

  1. Soul searching, I do that quite often. I don’t believe in god, heavens or hell because if I did I would be pretty piss off at hi plan. So I believe in randomness, things happening for no reason, with no plan. I do believe we are energy beings and as such we never really die, we just transform. Letting go of anything beyond our control is what I focus on and accepting that we are very insignificant in the universe. I learned to keep my focus n the ones around me, the ones I love and the things I am able to control, the rest I just let it go. Just let it be, whatever is in your mind, let it be and let it pass and turn it into a poem.

    • Thank you Hector : ) I didn’t want to rant or complain but it was just my feelings and I made this blog for that. I believe in so many things, I don’t think we die off completely but that we are spirits or at least the soul is. I just feel sad most of the time, because I know that I am very little in significance to this world and universe. I want to know why I am here, what I should be doing. But I guess that the only truly right thing I can do is be here for the ones I love and do right by others. I honestly don’t know…….. 😦

      • Yes often times I regret posts I make. The most important thing in growing a blog is consistency, and to do that entails writing from the heart, no matter what state the heart is in. Be it morbid or uplifting, the gift of writing is you can express both in truth.

  2. I buried a step-daughter who could no longer find hope for her life and a sixteen-year-old student of mine who also committed suicide. I believe in God and chance and choice. I don’t think he takes our loved ones away and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t need any more angels. People say some pretty stupid things in these situations but they’re nearly always trying to help; they just don’t know how. Mostly, I think we need to hear “I care” from others and see love in their eyes and feel it in their hands. I have also struggled with depression and still struggle with it, even though I have teenage grandchildren now. Usually, I can find the good in any given day even though it’s sometimes easier than others. I hope that by practicing forgiveness enough on others, I’ll eventually get there for myself. I pray you find peace and hope and understanding. Those who live with an open heart will always find pain and joy; it is the sharing that gives them meaning.

    • Thank you very much for the comment. I am very sorry for your losses. It stings my heart to know you have had to go through burying those young people. Thank you for the prayers, I believe, one day that I will get to a point where I know what life I want to lead. I know God is real. I was raised in a Christian home, however my view of God has differed from some in my family. My grandfather is a pastor and I was taught that the way they believed was the only way and the only right way. Since I have grown, I have changed my mind. But like I said. I am confused.So I will weather on through life and try to be grateful for what good I do have and my family I love! I will be acceptable of others and love not with fakeness or falsely but from my soul! Thanks for sharing and caring with me Sir, it means a lot.

      • You are very welcome! Thank you for taking time to respond. My own journey was not completely dissimilar to yours. My father was also a pastor and very much convinced that no one beyond his own group had any hope of salvation. I have found my faith stronger, in spite of life’s many disappointments. God has always been larger than his believers and still rewards those who seek. Keep seeking!

        Doc

      • Thank you Doc and I wont stop searching cause somewhere deep down in the pit of me I know the beliefs I had when I was just a little girl are still there and they are right. : )

      • If you ever want an old geezer’s reactions to your questions or wonderings, don’t hesitate to contact me.

  3. I have often wondered, why I do survive, whenever I come to know about someone dying. I can understand your anguish and your need to find the answers to such questions. Keep on searching… May be the answer will present itself to you.
    Take care!

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