Sorry.. Or Not.. No I am Sorry.. But I will go on..

I see it in his eyes. Everyday. So I joke around. Mess around and pretend to scoff. Pretend like it doesn’t matter that I see the disappointment. Disappointment is following me everywhere. I am sorry. I really thought that I would have made you proud by now. That I would have found some job that would make me financially secure, so that I didn’t have to live at home still. So I didn’t have to be a daily disappointment for you. I know you see my brother and some of my cousins and all that they are doing, or your friends kids. I know you are pry embarrassed when you have to tell them I am the local gas station Queen and that I am not at the moment attending college. You tell them yes I still live at home and no I am not using my nurse aid certification.  I know you want the best for me. I want these same things for myself. I want them in a different way, maybe it took me this long, what five years. Five years of moving away, trying to make it on my own, trying to find happiness, love. But always coming back home, always. So I wasted these years, precious years that I could have gobbled up and used for improvement, to find myself. Take myself from everything I knew and loved. To go and figure out just exactly what I believe is right, good, wrong, evil. Who am I. I ask myself this question every single day. So yes I wasted those years and now I face everyone and the disappointment they feel for me. I could say sorry and yes I am sorry. But lets get something clear, I am not here to live for you. I am here to live for me and every dam mistake that I make. I am here to figure out who I am and to figure out what I believe and how I want to live my life and eventually what legacy I want to leave. And I am here not to live just selfish, but realize I am but the most insignificant little being. But I found that I can be something. To other little unimportant people when I am there for them, when I give myself over to help someone. I can have purpose in helping someone, in hearing what they have to say.

Again he looks at me with those disappointed eyes. Sometimes I don’t know how much more I cant take, the myriad of faces staring at me, judging me, what I have done, what I have accomplished and what I haven’t.

And yet I have this feeling in me. If I the failure himself. Can get up every morning can face the day tell myself that. “I will make it, I wont be a disappointment, I will find my way.” Then my question for all those peering, prying and unfaithful eyes. Well I say to them. How can I believe in myself when you don’t believe in me. I know that no matter what, one day I will make it to where I can be happy with myself. Where I can live with myself. Where I can be happy with the person in the mirror.

I will.. I will.. I will..

I realize that this path I travel isn’t for anyone… but set apart, solely for me

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Confusion

I am confused. There are no clear answers. No black and white, this is right voice anymore. Just my blurry focus. I don’t know where I am headed or what for. I could live with the not knowing where I was headed, but I cannot live with the not knowing why. That is the hardest part of all. Do I feel guilty for my feelings? Of course, he just died, this young man I barely know, but he had a plan, a vision. He didn’t deserve his body to be smashed beneath those heaps of corn upon that metal bed. Do any of those young who die, do they really deserve it. Honestly why are those of us who are confused, why don’t we who have no real plans, or they are to high to reach, why are we spared. I had that close encounter with her, death. She almost snatched me in her claws, took me from all the ones I loved. I cried out, I wanted to live in that moment I most certainly knew I was to die. I was grateful. Laying there on that table, my family, all surrounding me. The next months of recovery, I tried most hard to be grateful. To this day I will never wish to die again. Simple and most assuredly because I know I don’t want to leave my family. However, my mind it does slip quietly, without me really knowing, into that wondering. The wonder of why some of us are chosen to live and some are fated to die an early death. I know many will say it was luck or just not their time or it was his time to go, or more interestingly and strangely sickly humorous “God needed another angel”. I don’t know, all I know is that I am confused. Confused as to how I get to where I want to be in life. Confused as how to make my dreams reality. Confused as to what will happen in our country, to what will happen to my family. Confused, is there a God, or are there Gods, Goddesses? Confused as to why people are so cruel and evil. Not understanding why young people with so much ahead of them die so early. Confused about why I can’t be like some people and not think about this stuff, why I cant shove it down to some deep, dark depth inside and forget. Why it has to be on my mind… always.

Survive

IF it came down to it

A choice between – you – and I

I would see it in your eyes

First, the flash of panic, like you have to make it out alive

Then you contemplate me,can live with yourself –

If you allow me to die …..

But don’t worry

I wont allow you that option

Wont give you the time

I don’t think about it anymore

So I throw you off the line

 

And I do what I have to do…. to survive

 

Odio

Downtown to the local drugstore.

Gets that black- raspberry- liquor.

Likes to spike her fruity drink.

She giggles, likes to act like she cant think.

Presses the blunt to her sweetened – hungry – lips

Hopes to God he will find himself buried in those hips

Drunken stupors they find themselves caught

They’ve weaved the trap they should have naught

Bare naked in his hell bound bed, she cries

Lust stained satin sheets , he got his prize

His soul was awakened black

She could have a heart- beneath the plaque

I watch from the cracked door

Cant look away, but don’t want to see no more

Padre de mi hijo why do you make love to mi hermana pequeña?

Odio

Copyright 2013 Hannah Marie

All rights reserved, Inflicted Delusions.

~ Emily Lynn ~

So I wanted to do a little shout of for my sister 🙂 This is her singing, she wrote this song and performed it for when my brother got back from Afghanistan on Sept, 28th! It was so much fun. The song is amazing and she has such an amazing talent! I am so proud of her…

Here is her twitter if you would like to follow her ~ https://twitter.com/Moriahrosales1

Here is my twitter if you would like to follow me there ~ https://twitter.com/HannahRosales09

So here is the link of her singing!

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=684085214936777&set=vb.100000059148900&type=2&theater

you want me now?

What’s this hype?

You have for you and me?

Certainly you know, we will never be.

I waited years for you to come to your senses

Blindly you chose her and her, your blonde defenses

Emotional love, you couldn’t handle

So instead, you liked to play with scandal

Now I’m over it, its all said and done

You want me to run back to you, like when we were young

But I’ve grown up, and I’ve moved on

Ugly duckling turned into beautiful swan

Every Time I Close My Eyes

All I ever wanted was a little lady

Maybe she could take away my crazy

Each night she would pray for me to be blessed

Her perfumed head resting upon my muscled chest

I would protect her from her drunken brother

In return she would make love to me like there was never another

But when I open my eyes, she is never there

So I keep them shut, pleading with God, bring her back here

 

 

Every Time I Close My Eyes

Copyright 2013 Hannah Marie

All rights reserved, Inflicted Delusions.