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I wanted you to be different..
Because I wanted you..
So I tested you..
I know it wasn’t fair..
But I needed it..
And when you failed, I got mad..
I lashed out as my nails tore into that stubble on your neck..
I just wanted you to deny me..
So that I could have you..
I am the professional liar
Lies… my only friends
They keep me warm and satisfied, in the lonely night
Because I can create a false but perfect world…. for me.
Nobody understand why.. but I don’t either.
It hurts too much to come clean.
So instead I make up another lie….
I got obsessed with her..
Right down to my bones..
Oceans apart, soul mates..
She’s the only one I think of..
Dark eyes, red lips, wild – hair..
She is my crazy girl, in every way..
~ ~ ~ ~
I got obsessed with him..
His thick accent, piano playing..
Lands away, I started to doubt..
How could he love me from so afar..
Only his beautiful French words, to soothe my soul..
I believed in him, I still do..
~ ~ ~ ~
He promised to love me forever….
But we don’t know the real truths about each other….
Everything is perfect here . .
But I couldn’t create here . .
Somewhere over there . .
That is where I had to be . .
In the middle of chaos . .
I could write your fucking noose . .
So tight around your neck . .
Fit snug, your own death making you feel so safe . .
So sad you believe in fate . .
You don’t just die . .
You create this death . .
Your final masterpiece . .
Do you think of me?
While she is wrapped inside your intoxicating embrace.
Does she know?
Know that I was the only one, you ever really loved.
It’s a cut so deep.
You gave her the wedding, promised to me.
Wound Festering, rapidly.
She sits in my place, beside your bench side throne.
I gave you me.
In return you left , claimed I had betrayed thee.
How can you?
Tracing her perfectly smooth, warm flesh.
She is marked yours.
Your fingers never to caress me again.
Top hat, hands placed so relaxed – in your pockets
I remember when they would roam – under my yellow sundress
Now.. I just sit in the faded green chair
Your out on the streets, driving that cab, without a care.
You planned on breaking me
With that electric skin and scratchy jaw
I said I would never be bound again
So I built these flimsy ropes and wrapped them diligently
That you could see, you might pull them of so easily
I will do anything to keep my secrets..
Cant have you finding out the sick truth about me..
Had I known you already knew..
I may not have had to kill you..
But I did not.
And in that moment.
As I sat in the barn, icicles running through my veins…
Squeezing my knees shut, to keep the pee in…
I knew I could not live if you knew –
That you could not live, if you knew –
but I was so ashamed
could not be embraced
so hopeless , so beyond REDEMPTION
beyond your LOVE
Beyond SANE thinking
IM SO SORRY,
SO VERY SORRY….
So just a little venting. I would also like to hear everyone’s thoughts on this matter. I work at a gas station. The first of the month is always a horrible day for me because I work third shift. At midnight everyone gets there food stamps or EBT for the month. I know that this will probably start controversy. It is not meant too, I promise!
However I was very discouraged and annoyed last night. I believe that we need food stamps here in our country but I also believe they are being abused and misused greatly. Last night I heard all the grumbling and complaining that the government has sent letters out cutting back on some of my customers monthly food money. I do have compassion and feel bad for the people that are truly in need of the help and that use it wisely. However, I see so much abuse of food stamps. For instance, one family bought 20 different types of candy bars, 6 bags of chips, 15 different kinds of hostess, 10 bottles of red bull and a tiny little half liter of milk. Really? I believe this is abuse, I know some people will say it is not my business what they spend the money on. But, um, the last time I recalled it is my money going to pay for it? I am NOT judging these people either. My mother and I had food stamps at one point when my dad was away. We used this money to get all the food we needed first and never really bought any kind of excessive junk food or energy drinks on it.
The only reason I even really mention this is because I hear so many of the EBT customers complaining that they never have enough. I understand that I don’t know everything that goes on in there household or their expenses. But honestly? I have to work so very hard just to keep food on my table and I have to portion and watch everything I spend. While 9 out of the 12 customers last night bought many of our candies and donuts and junk. If I have a candy bar its a treat.
By the end of the month, they barely have any money left and tell me their cupboards are empty and even have the audacity to ask me for money or free food, while here I am struggling and scraping to make a life for myself.
I really want people to understand I am not saying everyone who has EBT is abusing it. But there is a problem with misuse here in America. We need to stop this. I am sorry but I work very hard for the little I have, and I have medical problems. I just wanted to vent about this a little, I hope no one takes offense and feel free to comment and let me know how you feel about this issue.
I see it in his eyes. Everyday. So I joke around. Mess around and pretend to scoff. Pretend like it doesn’t matter that I see the disappointment. Disappointment is following me everywhere. I am sorry. I really thought that I would have made you proud by now. That I would have found some job that would make me financially secure, so that I didn’t have to live at home still. So I didn’t have to be a daily disappointment for you. I know you see my brother and some of my cousins and all that they are doing, or your friends kids. I know you are pry embarrassed when you have to tell them I am the local gas station Queen and that I am not at the moment attending college. You tell them yes I still live at home and no I am not using my nurse aid certification. I know you want the best for me. I want these same things for myself. I want them in a different way, maybe it took me this long, what five years. Five years of moving away, trying to make it on my own, trying to find happiness, love. But always coming back home, always. So I wasted these years, precious years that I could have gobbled up and used for improvement, to find myself. Take myself from everything I knew and loved. To go and figure out just exactly what I believe is right, good, wrong, evil. Who am I. I ask myself this question every single day. So yes I wasted those years and now I face everyone and the disappointment they feel for me. I could say sorry and yes I am sorry. But lets get something clear, I am not here to live for you. I am here to live for me and every dam mistake that I make. I am here to figure out who I am and to figure out what I believe and how I want to live my life and eventually what legacy I want to leave. And I am here not to live just selfish, but realize I am but the most insignificant little being. But I found that I can be something. To other little unimportant people when I am there for them, when I give myself over to help someone. I can have purpose in helping someone, in hearing what they have to say.
Again he looks at me with those disappointed eyes. Sometimes I don’t know how much more I cant take, the myriad of faces staring at me, judging me, what I have done, what I have accomplished and what I haven’t.
And yet I have this feeling in me. If I the failure himself. Can get up every morning can face the day tell myself that. “I will make it, I wont be a disappointment, I will find my way.” Then my question for all those peering, prying and unfaithful eyes. Well I say to them. How can I believe in myself when you don’t believe in me. I know that no matter what, one day I will make it to where I can be happy with myself. Where I can live with myself. Where I can be happy with the person in the mirror.
I will.. I will.. I will..
I realize that this path I travel isn’t for anyone… but set apart, solely for me